One by One, the Penguins Stole Their Sanity
by The Jenx
Summary: "Oh," said I, "I am a penguin." "So you are," he agreed. There was an awkward silence in which we tried to figure out which one of us was going crazy.
1. Life Lesson:Penguins Can't Ride Big Cats

Well, this fairly random and quite bizarre, but I thought it might be fun.

Disclaimer: …you know what it should say here.

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It's really weird to wake up and find yourself a penguin.

I mean, if you were a human before. I guess you're probably confused, so I'll back up and explain myself.

          The youkai wasn't so much powerful as it was fast, but unfortunately speed counts for a lot. Kagome-chan, Inu Yasha, and Shippou were back at the camp we had set up, and we had run into this thing while looking for firewood, which left us on our own.

          So here was Houshi-sama and I, trying to kill this bird youkai, and not doing a very good job of it. I threw my boomerang, but it just kept dodging. Houshi-sama opened his air rip, but it just flew quickly out of range behind him, and I had to jump in and save him from getting his back ripped open.

Hey! Stop looking at me like that! If _your_ friend was in trouble, you'd probably do the same thing! I do _not_ like him, hear that? Geez…

          Anyways, I slashed at it, but, of course, I couldn't get a hit in. It was gone in a whiz of gray feathers and sharp claws raking dangerously close to my eyes, making me hit the ground to avoid blindness. Then I heard a startled cry as it appeared in front of Miroku and flung him backwards over my head a good distance. It's amazing how strong it was for a bird. I winced in sympathy as he hit a tree head-first with a sickening 'thwack', then fell to the ground, rather cross-eyed. He dug in his robes and threw an ofuda before he passed out. It whizzed around until it found its target, clinging to the birds forehead and freezing it. I breathed my thanks to the unconscious houshi and hurled Hiraikotsu at it, chopping it effectively in half. In its death throes it shrieked something incoherent, and there was a flash of green light.

I caught my boomerang, feeling slightly dizzy. I wasn't really too worried about what it had done. As I said, it wasn't very powerful. I ran over to my fallen companion (See? Not boyfriend, _companion_), and tried to ignore the slightly sick feeling that was coming over me. The dizziness grew. I had barely gotten four steps when the ground came up to attack me.

_I wonder what that thing _did_ to me…_

~*~

When I came to, I felt sort of strange. Not _bad_, just _different_. I was about to do a delicate inspection of myself to see what was creating this feeling when I noticed Houshi-sama, lying a few paces away, showing signs of waking.

"Houshi-sama!"  I called, running over to him. If I hadn't been so worried I might've given more thought to the fact that the few paces took a lot more than a few. "Houshi-sama, are you alright?"

He sat up, grimacing and squeezing his eyes shut, gingerly rubbing his head.

"Yes… I think… it's just a bump, I'll be fine."

He opened his eyes and started to say something. The words died, his eyes bulged out, and his jaw went slack.

"Uh." he said matter-of-factly.

"What?" I demanded, glaring at him. Was my kimono ripped in the front or something?

"Maybe I'm not okay," he groaned, lying back down.

"Why might that be?"

"Because last time I checked, you weren't a penguin."

I had half a mind to smack the idiot, but that probably wouldn't help.

"Of _course_ I'm not a penguin!"

"Then I must've hit my head pretty hard, because you sure look like one to me," replied he.

"I'm not a penguin," I told him, balling a fist. Except that I _couldn't_ ball my fist.

I blinked.

Again.

I looked down at a black wing-like structure that was trying desperately to ball itself, and nearly fainted again.

"Oh," said I, "I'm a penguin."

There's not much else to say upon this sort of revelation.

"No you aren't," Houshi-sama said firmly, "You're a human taji-ya. I'm seeing things."

"No I'm not," I repeated, "I'm a penguin."

He sat up again, taking a long look at me as if he expected me to change back into a human and start laughing at him. I didn't.

"So you are," he agreed. 

There was a very awkward silence in which we tried to figure out which of us was going crazy.

"Maybe…" he started. I cocked my head and tapped my webbed foot impatiently. That idiot just couldn't finish a sentence, could he? He stopped and stared at me.

"Maybe?" I prompted.

"Maybe we should go back to camp," he said.

~*~

"Where's Sango?" Kagome demanded.

"What's that penguin?" Inu Yasha demanded, sniffing it.

"Isn't that boomerang heavy?" Shippou wanted to know.

Houshi-sama held up a hand to silence them. It didn't work.

"Did she get killed!?" Kagome gasped, terrified.

"It smells like Sango," Inu Yasha declared, moving downwards. "Is it a female?" (I smacked him on the nose as well as a penguin can smack- whether or not I was a penguin, he was NOT looking at my privates)

"Why do you have Sango's clothes?" Shippou asked.

"If you'd let me explain," Houshi-sama started.

"It hit me!" Inu Yasha cried indignantly.

"Why? She was so young!" Kagome sobbed.

"Sango should be wearing her clothes," Shippou stated.

"BE QUIET AND LET US EXPLAIN!" I yelled. 

That shut them up good. Penguins don't usually yell at people, after all.

"Thank you," Houshi-sama sighed. "Now, we were out gathering firewood and we ran into a youkai. It… well… it was really fast, and… Sango, maybe you'd better explain the rest," he finished sheepishly. I think it's the first time I've seen him turn red. Really pretty funny.

"Did you just call that thing Sango?" Inu Yasha asked blankly.

"I _am," I explained patiently, although I'll admit that patience was wearing thin now, although Houshi-sama wouldn't know it. He got himself knocked out embarrassingly quickly."_

He pulled his neck into his robes, looking as if he wished they would eat him.

"In my defense, it was _very_ fast, and you wouldn't have gotten it if I hadn't paralyzed it first."

"Thank you. Sure saved me from this curse." Houshi-sama pouted slightly and tried to look hurt, and it's a little hard to be even annoyed at someone with a face like that. Unless he was being a pervert. I sighed. "Anyways, so as it was dying, it chanted something and then I fainted and when I woke up I was a penguin."

The rest of the group considered this.

"Damn!" Inu Yasha cursed finally. Houshi-sama dodged to one side as he punched a tree behind him. "Penguins can't fight! You'll be useless for shard hunting!"

"Inu Yasha!" Kagome shrieked. "That was insensitive! Sango's just gotten a terrible curse put on her which could change her life horribly if we don't find a way to take it off, and all you can think about is whether she'll be useful or not! OSUWARI!"

Something made a miniature crater in the dirt, and it wasn't a meteor.

"It's okay," I protested quickly, "I mean, at least it won't _take my life, even if it does __change it."_

Houshi-sama looked a little sad, and I had an urge to hug- NO! God, what did I tell you earlier? I HATE him! Well maybe I only hate him when he gropes me but he's a COMPANION and an ANNOYING one at that! STOP LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY!  If you want PROOF, then I'll do THIS! I reached up and slapped him, which is quite a feat for a penguin, mind you! He blinked.

"What… what was that for, Sango?" He asked, genuinely confused. I fumbled for an explanation, because it would sound rather strange to tell him I did it to prove to the people in my head that I didn't like him.

"You were thinking perverted thoughts," I told him dryly. He raised his eyebrows and smiled.

"Oh really?"

"Really," I confirmed.

"In any case, I think we should consult Kaede about this," Houshi-sama continued, talking over Kagome and Inu Yasha, who were fighting about who had done or said something uncalled for. They stopped.

"That's right!" Inu Yasha exclaimed. "The sooner we get the curse off, the sooner we can get back to work!"

"Don't make me say it," Kagome warned. Inu Yasha shut up fast.

"That settles it," Houshi-sama agreed. He bent down to look at Kirara, who appeared slightly dazed at my transformation. "Do you mind?"

My pet nodded and obediently grew. Miroku hopped onto her back, and I attempted to follow.

It was at this point that I realized penguins are not built for straddling large animals.

"Oof," said I, meeting the ground once again.

"I'll have to hold you," Houshi-sama informed me with a crooked grin. I was _not getting near him when he was wearing an expression like that._

"I'll walk," I proclaimed. "I can keep up."

To demonstrate this, I waddled down the path. It was at _this_ point that I realized penguins have a very small stride.

"If we go at that pace we'll be _dead_ before we get back!" Inu Yasha whined. I tried to shoot him a dirty look, but penguin's faces aren't designed for glaring. Arms scooped me into the air from behind, and I flapped my wings wildly, because a penguin can't wield a sword, as I reflexively would do if I was a human being picked up by something. Houshi-sama held me at arms length until I stopped flapping, and patiently swung the two of us onto Kirara's back, holding me firmly in his lap. Another thing- penguins aren't strong enough to escape a determined pervert's grasp. This curse might not kill me, but I might kill _myself before this was over. Kagome and Shippou, as usual, rode Inu Yasha, and we were off to find a cure for this damn curse. Houshi-sama hummed a way too cheerful tune, holding Kirara's mane with one hand and me with the other._

This was, decidedly, the worst night of my life.

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That was fun. In fact, I haven't had that much fun writing for a LONG time. I need to put up another chapter soon!^^ Review, please, feedback is good. Really.

~Kaylana


	2. Life Lesson:Penguin Can't Exorcise Stuff

Oh goodie, a new chapter!^^ It's Miroku's turn now… The review turnout was absolutely STUNNING, the most I've EVER gotten on one chapter! Oh, sorry this took so long. You see, lack of sleep finally caught up with me, and I got that new SARS virus. Not really, I just got abducted by aliens(aka my family). Actually, I lied again- I REALLY had this little accident involving a heavy storm and downed power lines. ONE if those was true ^_^.

Disclaimer: "dis-" a negating prefix. "claim"- to pronounce as one's own. "er"-… er. ANYWAYS! Put the three together.

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          I couldn't be happier if I had gotten my curse lifted. Well, maybe I could've been if _that happened, but nothing short of that. Or if Naraku was killed. Or if Sango agreed to bear my child._

Oh, forget it.

My point is, there's _almost_ nowhere I'd rather be than here, holding the beautiful, _naked_, love of my life. Never mind that she's currently a penguin.

"It's getting dark," Shippou noted. "Maybe we should stop for the night."

"NO!" Sango and Inu Yasha objected simultaneously.

"I'm tired!" Kagome protested. "Besides, Sango, maybe the curse will have worn off by morning."

Sango snorted. I patted her head comfortingly. I felt so sorry for my Sango, being turned into something so useless.

"Don't TOUCH me!" she shrieked, ignoring the fact that she was in my lap. She attempted to slap me, which threw her off balance. _I_ attempted to _catch_ her, which threw _me off balance, so both of us fell. As if my battered skull needed any I didn't feel very sorry for her anymore. At least we weren't very high. Kirara landed and prodded Sango. My concern shot sky high as I remembered that she, as a penguin, was bound to land in an awkward position. What if she had broken her neck? What if she was dead?"_

"Penguins," Sango moaned, "are not built to land on two feet."

"Let's just get a good night's sleep so we won't be cranky in the morning," Kagome-sama suggested. "That way, nobody will feel like smacking anybody and we can fix this without too many casualties."

"That sounds pleasant," I agreed.

"I'm going to feel like smacking someone until I'm a human again," my Sango muttered sulkily, but she was content with waddling over to slump against a tree and glare at us all. Even as a penguin, she's so cute when she's mad. I tried to sit down next to her, but she gave me a look that stated quite clearly that if I tried anything, I would have my skull split open when she was a human again. Contrary to popular belief,  I'm persistent, but not suicidal. I went to gather firewood, crossing my fingers and hoping I wouldn't come back a penguin.

~*~

          Morning dawned early.

_Way_ too early.

The sun was barely over the horizon when a shouting match erupted between Inu Yasha, who thought we should've been moving hours ago, and Kagome-sama, who thought we shouldn't be moving for a few hours. This ended in a few 'osuwari's and us all getting started anyways. Unfortunatley, Inu Yasha was accidentally 'osuwari'ed onto Kirara's paw, causing her to limp and us to walk. Even in the early morning, it was uncomfortably warm, and I envied Sango for her lack of clothing. All in all, it was not a pleasant start to the day. The rising headache wasn't helping matters, but I suppose that tends to happen when one is slammed into a tree at high speeds.

"Kagome-sama, do you have any of that headache medicine?" I didn't want to worry her, but I didn't want to slow us down, either.

"Yeah," Kagome-sama confirmed, nodding. "It's not the usual stuff, but it should work."

She dug one of her strange water containers out of her backpack, then started taking out other things, frowning.

"Um… it's in here… somewhere…"

"May I have some water?" Sango asked. Kagome-sama nodded, still rummaging in her pack. Sango tried to pick up the container. Predictably, it slipped from her fin. She glared a glare that could freeze hell, but the water bottle cheerfully defied her, rolling back and forth at her feet. I suppressed a chuckle and opened the bottle for her, holding it to her mouth. Erm, beak.

"Aha!" Kagome-sama cried triumphantly, producing a small bottle of pills. I accepted them gratefully as she flung her backpack over her shoulder and continued up the path.

"What's taking you all so long?!" Inu Yasha's voice demanded from somewhere in the direction Kagome-sama had went.

"Coming," I called back. A few irritated mutterings could be heard. I quickly gulped the pills and ran to catch up with Inu Yasha before he killed something.

"Wait!" Sango yelled. I turned around to see her waddling for all she was worth, trying to keep up.

 Was it worth it? I don't know- it would be great to see her face, but she would positively clobber me when she had the curse lifted.

Too late.

I scooped her up, flapping fins and angry protests, and carried her all the way to Inu Yasha before putting her down. She promptly bit my arm.

"Sango," asked I, "What are you doing?"

She growled and bit harder. Naturally, it didn't break the skin- penguins don't have teeth. Still, it's uncomfortable to have an oversized bird hanging off your arm.

"Um… could you stop that? It kind of hurts, you know."

She released me and waited a minute, watching me. Then she groaned in pure frustration.

"Damn! It works for werewolves!"

~*~

It must've been the heat.

We were all moving so sluggishly because of it. Even Kagome-sama, in all her scantily clad glory, was drooping. So we inched along at the pace of a rather sickly turtle, and Inu Yasha barely complained. All the same, everything was going fairly well. Until the world insisted on spinning wildly around me all of the sudden. I can't exactly keep going when I can't take a single step without either falling over or walking into a tree, so I stopped, leaning on my staff for support. A moment passed in which everything grew a little too fuzzy for anything to be coherent, and then I felt Kagome-sama grab my shoulders and firmly lead me to sit on a rock.

"Oooh, I hope you weren't allergic to those pills," she said, wringing her hands nervously.

"I'll be fine," I assured her,

Then of course, because Lady Fate does love irony, I fainted.

          The first thing I noticed when I woke was that it felt kind of breezy. A nice change, I must say. I opened my eyes, and everyone was crowded around me. Even Inu Yasha, which struck me as unusual. He looked positively dumbstruck. I vaguely wondered how long I had been out for this sort of reaction. I didn't wonder long before I observed the second thing.

Sango was wearing my robes.

My mind raced desperately, trying to recall why she might be, and in this panic it took me a moment to realize that she was no longer a penguin.

Not a penguin…everybody worried… hit head hard yesterday…

It didn't take long for me to conclude that the penguin had been a figment of my imagination and I was waking up for the first time since the bird incident. Sango wearing my robes and my strange lack of a headache could be explained away later.

"Ah…hello," I said, because everyone else was still staring at me. I rose, feeling more than a little awkward because they were all still staring, and reached for my staff. I noted that my grip was rather stiff, and the staff slipped away. I felt the beads sealing my air rip start to slide, and hastily stopped them.

"What's going on?" I asked, bewildered.

"You're a penguin," stated Kagome-sama.

"Am not," I said indignantly.

"Then why am I so much taller than you?" Kagome-sama asked.

I didn't have an answer. I gave my orange feet and slick fin a good long glare, then resigned myself to the idea that I was, in fact, a penguin.

"Oh," said I glumly, "I am a penguin."

"So you are," Kagome-sama agreed.

"Woah," Sango contributed, "That was _major déjà vu right there." She stretched gleefully. "And I'm a human!"_

She proceeded to dance and tumble until she got horribly tangled in my robes.

"How can you _stand these things?" She asked disdainfully._

"Why are you _wearing them?" I said accusingly._

"Because my clothes are in Kagome-chan's backpack and penguins don't wear clothes, so it was a quick solution. Would you rather I was naked when you came to?"

Images that don't belong in any respectable piece of prose flashed through my head.

"Yes," I replied earnestly. 

Predictably, my Sango hit me repeatedly over the head.

Love hurts.

To make matters worse, I lost my grip on my beads after the second hit, and things just went downhill from there. At the end of this downhill, I was in a crater on the ground, and my Sango was in what I shall call a compromising position on top of me. So we hit the bottom of the downhill and started digging. Seconds later, the penguin monk sits on one end of the path with a huge red handprint on his face, and the taji-ya on the other end, muttering various obscenities. The peacemaker takes center stage.

"Hey, Miroku-sama, don't do that, Sango-chan, don't hit him when his beads are loose, you'll kill us all," Kagome-sama said jovially.

"Fasten them," snapped Sango.

"You want to try?" I challenged her.

"Maybe if I break your arm in the right way…"

"I think duct tape is a better idea," Kagome-sama said hastily. She produced a roll of the aforementioned substance and wrapped it tightly around my 'arm'.

"Are we ready to go _now_?" Inu Yasha whined impatiently.

"Not quite," Kagome-sama said, "Sango-chan still has to get her clothes on."

~*~

I was beginning to see the difficulties of being a penguin. There were many. Short legs was the most obvious, of course. Another, the one that probably bothered me most, was that I couldn't hold my staff. Call me weird, but if I've had that staff for as long as I can remember, and if I can't hold it, I feel a lot less comfortable, more vulnerable, so… so… naked. Well, I _was_ naked. Never mind. The disadvantage that I hadn't really thought about was, although they could accept Sango being a penguin, they couldn't seem to accept that she wasn't anymore and that now I was. Now sure, I thought it a bit odd, too, but they were _obsessive._

"What on earth might've made that happen?" Kagome wondered aloud for the twentieth time in the last hour.

"I dunno," Shippou sighed for the twentieth time.

"As long as I'm human, I'm glad!" Sango replied for the twentieth time.

"Feh," Inu Yasha spat for the fifty-seventh, because he didn't wait for his turn to say 'feh' most of the time.

"As I've said," said I, "It's quite possible that the curse passes from person to person somehow."

"That's obvious," Sango-darling snapped.

"Curses aren't like the common cold," Kagome pointed out. "Maybe they're just as annoying-"

"More so," I interrupted.

"-but they don't pass from person to person. Do they?"

"Apparently so," said I. "But I haven't a clue how."

"Feh," said Inu Yasha, and the loop repeated.

~*~

By the time that we had reached the next village, I was exhausted (waddling takes a lot of energy you know), Inu Yasha was complaining in advance about having to stay in an inn, Shippou was pouting because my shoulder was no longer a good perch, Kagome was arguing with Inu Yasha, and Sango-honey had finished rejoicing, save the occasional spontaneous cheer. By the time the first inn came into sight, I was going over my spiel in my head. By the time I knocked on the door, Kagome-sama had stopped arguing and was waving her arms wildly and squeaking something incoherent. By the time the door had opened, I remembered that penguins are unusual, unable to talk, and certainly don't see ominous black clouds, much less exorcise them, hence the cause of Kagome-sama's distress. The woman at the door stared dumbly at me. I stared dumbly back.

"It's my pet," Kagome-sama explained hastily.

"_Pet?!" I cried in indignation, my mouth moving before my brain got a chance to. Kagome clapped her hand over my beak._

"It…talks?" The woman asked dubiously.

"N-no! I'm a ventriloquist, see?" she nudged me, and started moving her mouth wordlessly.

"I can make it _look like it's talking," I said, going along with the act and hoping Kagome-sama's mouth was moving to my words, which it almost definitely was __not._

"Well," she continued, "I, um, we, were wondering if we could stay here tonight. Aack! I mean, how _much_ is it to stay here?"

Smoooooth. _Real_ smooth. Yeah, like I had room to talk.

"Stay here…with 3 youkai?" This woman either had some sort of speech impediment or was just not expecting 2 humans, 2 youkai, a hanyou, and a penguin to drop in. Probably the latter.

"Oh, don't worry, the one in red is a hanyou," Kagome-sama assured the stunned woman.

Oh, _that made it all better._

"I…see…" said the woman.

"And he doesn't _want to stay in an inn," she continued slyly, "So he'll be outside tonight."_

"What!?" Inu Yasha shouted.

"You said so yourself before you came," Kagome reminded him brightly, "So I figured this'll make you happier. Don't make me say it," she warned as he started to sputter protests.

"What about the other two?" the woman wanted to know.

"Harmless," Kagome-sama guaranteed. Kirara growled and Shippou pouted. "Behave," she whispered. They stopped, slightly sulkily.

"Well… if you're sure…(I'm too lazy to find out the ancient currency so insert price here)."

Kagome faltered, blinking.

"Um… hold on a minute…" she ran up the path, motioning for us to follow. Sango-angel and I exchanged a vaguely curious glance, she shrugged, and we obeyed. Inu Yasha spat something about it not involving him, but Sango tugged him off by the ear. I was thankful that, for once, I wasn't the victim of her wrath. Although it was always worth it… ahem. As I was saying.

          When we reached the crest of the hill that led down to the village, Kagome cleared her throat importantly. Then she paused, decided her feet were suddenly fascinating, and rubbed the back of her neck embarrassedly.

"Do any of you have money?"

"…"

I certainly wasn't willing to admit that a lady pickpocket had gotten the better of me again. Inu Yasha and Shippou _never_ had money. As for Sango dearest…

"Depends. Do youkai bones count?"

"I'd say not," Kagome-sama sighed. "Okay…what don't we want that we could trade?"

Inu Yasha's face lit up and he raised his rosary, opening his mouth to offer it.

"SIT!"

At least Sango can't do _that_ to me.

"Ow! What was that for, wench?" Inu Yasha whined.

"As long as I can still SIT you, we're not giving SIT up! Now _what_ was my name again?"

"Wench!"

"SIT!"

"Candy!" Sango exclaimed.

"Huh?" Asked Kagome, echoing my general sentiment.

"We can give her candy in exchange for a place to say," Sango explained.

As always, my lovely, strong, sweet, gorgeous, perfect, angelic, charming- where was I? Oh yes. My Sango had come to our rescue once again with a flawless plan.

Well, almost flawless.

"We can't give up our _candy_!" Shippou wailed despairingly.

"Actually, I think it's a good idea," Kagome declared.

"I _don't!" persisted the kitsune._

"Nobody cares what you think, squirt!" Inu Yasha taunted.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! KAGOME, HE'S BEING MEAN AGAIN!"

"SIT!"

"Ow! Wench!"

"SITSITSITSITSIT…"

I watched wide-eyed as Kagome proceeded to hammer the poor hanyou into the ground.

"What's wrong with her today?" I wondered aloud.

"It's a girl thing," Sango confided.

"Scary," Shippou whimpered.

"About the candy," said I, "I know how much you love candy, but we're a team, right?"

Shippou nodded, grinning.

"Well," I continued, "Sometimes we have to make personal sacrifices for the sake of the team, right?"

"Yup!" Shippou chirped. "Mine is tolerating Inu Yasha!"

"It's the other way around!" Inu Yasha complained.

"Inu Yasha…

"Oh hell…"

"SIT!"

"Um, one of them, I guess," I confirmed, ignoring the crashing in the background, "Or, for example, I would give my life to protect any of you. And in my experiences, so would Sango."

"Except when she's trying to kill you."

"Except when she's trying to kill me."

"That's not funny," Sango sniffed. I ignored her.

"So, Shippou, are you ready to make a personal sacrufuce for the sake of the team?"

"You bet!" Shippou cheered.

"Wonderful! Okay, let's go find that candy to trade!"

"We can't give up our _candy_!" Shippou wailed despairingly.

Why do I feel like I've been here before?

          Eventually, it was my Sango who came to our rescue again. When we went down to trade, the woman took the trade after a little convincing and a sample. Shippou was the main problem, but here's where Sango came in. Every time he opened his mouth to protest, she was armed with a gobstopper to stuff in it. After the fifth one, he stopped trying to talk. So we got a room and all's well that ends well for now.

Except that I'm still a penguin.

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I'll have you know that I'm writing this from somewhere in Indiana. That's why this won't be up for a while. I live in Georgia, see. Did you know there's a Gnaw Bone, Indiana? And French Lick? Oh, and another good one- Cementville. Yeah, I _really_ wanna live _there._No offense to any Indianans, of course. Ja ne!

~Kaylana


	3. Life Lesson: Penguins ARE Birds

Woah, I nearly forgot to put the AN n this time! Like anybody actually reads these…so what! They're fun! ^_^ Sorry this took so long. End of the school year. Busy. Yeaaaah…not to mention Heather never bugged me to write it cause she was too busy bugging me to beta read for her, so it never really got written except in sudden bursts every weekish.

Disclaimer: I resolve to be more creative with these. Okay! So…  GIMMIE A I! (I!) GIMMIE A D! (D!) GIMMIE A O! (O!) GIMMIE A…DAMN I HAVE NO PATIENCE TO SPELL OUT "I DON'T OWN INU YASHA"! (DAMN I HAVE NO PATIENCE TO SPELL OUT "I DON'T OWN INU YAHSA"!)

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I was trying not to kill him.

The Stupid Monk, that is. Hey, don't blame me! I'm a cat, if he gets himself turned into a damn bird, then of _course_ hunting instinct is going to tell me to rip his head off and give the rest to Mistress! What? Surprised that I curse? Of _course_ I CENSORED curse! Did you really think I'd let a CENSORED _dog beat me at anything? __Especially a CENSORED half-breed! GOOD CENSORED LORD! I _HAVE_ MY CENSORED KITTY PRIDE, YOU KNOW?! I'M BADASS AND CENSORED PROUD!_

…Excuse us a moment, I believe we have company.

        Somewhere in the real world, a studio door slams open on two cat-eared creatures sitting at a desk. One has 'muse' floating in bubbly red letters above her head and the other has 'thief, gangster, and annoyance' in green. They quickly fade once the muse realizes the point has gotten through. A somewhat terrifying witch- er, high school girl- stomps over to the desk where Chibi Neko Kaylana and Rogue Neko Kaylana sitAN: see my profile if you can't figure out which is which. She picks up the desk and brings it down on the head of the unfortunate Rogue Neko Kaylana.

"I AM NOT BOOSTING THE RATING JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HELPING!" she shrieks at the swirly-eyed troublemaker.

"Unh…" replies the thief. Kaylana calmly puts down the desk, picks the notebook off the floor, and bows to Chibi Neko Kaylana.

"Continue," she says pleasantly.

So. Anyways.

I'm a cat, if he gets himself turned into a damn bird, then of _course hunting instinct is going to tell me to rip his head off and give the rest to Mistress! It didn't much help that the Cute Kit was too busy sucking on a bunch of candy to play with me. So here I am, staring at this oversized bird, who's starting to look a little uncomfortable._

"Hello," he said, eyes darting from side to side.

"Meow," replied I, vaguely wondering if the skin would be too leathery to tear off the head.

"Um…hello," the Stupid Monk repeated, earning him his name. Oh, it's just the way he's turning his head to look for an escape route, the skin is twisting, twisting…No! No, stop!

"Wmphgarble!" the Cute Kit cried through the sweets as I sprung at his neck. He pulled my tail. That hurts you know. Well no you don't, because you're just a human. So I shrieked and hissed. Mistress looked up.

"What's going on?" she asked, glaring at the Cute Kit.

"I think she tried to kill…" he trailed off as I pleasantly wiggled out of his grasp and settled onto the Stupid Monk's shoulders, purring pointedly. My urge to kill him under control, the rest of the night passed fairly uneventfully. Until the mouse, that is.

          I could hear it, right outside the door. It kept scratching and scratching and it wouldn't leave me alone. I hunched by the shoji screen, listening carefully. It was right there, but I couldn't get at it, and that bothered me. I went over and prodded at the Stupid Monk in hopes that he could open the door. He muttered something in his sleep. I leapt onto his chest and licked his face.

"Mew!" Wake up, you idiot! Honestly, I can't believe Mistress actually _loves_ such a stupid creature. 

"G'way," yawned the stupid monk. I accidentally licked his tongue. Eww! Penguin spit!

"Ye-oow!" I persisted, digging in my claws.

"Yeow!" He yelped, imitating me. He sat up,sending me tumbling. Well, my urge to kill him just doubled, but at least he's awake. "Oh…Kirara? What do you want?"

I stopped and listened for a moment. Nope; the mouse was definitely gone. I growled in irritation and prowled off to sleep by Mistress. I guess he couldn't have opened the door anyways, fins aren't too good for grasping.

"Mewr," I grumbled. Stupid monk.

"Stupid cat," he mumbled, going back to sleep.

          The next morning was, regrettably, interesting. I woke up a little before dawn, and my mouth was drier than wilted catnip. So I approached the door.It was still closed, much to my dismay. Now maybe you couldn't tell it, what with you being a human and all, but I am _not_ a morning kitty. Thus, this shoji was getting a cat door. Now. 

          I rammed my head through the screen and stepped daintily through, seeking some source of water. For reasons that I don't know or really care, there was a pail in the corner. I bent over it eagerly. Funny…there was a bird's reflection. I turned around. Maybe the Stupid Monk was behind me. Nope, no Stupid Monk. I shrugged and looked again. Bird. No me. Really weird. Oh well. I moved, and the bird moved with me. Realization set in and I made a terrible mistake.

I screamed.

          This set off a particularly problematic chain of events. First, everybody woke up. The Stupid Monk and the Dog sprung into defensive stances, and Mistress was looking for me. Then the inn lady flung the door open.

"What was that!?" she demanded.

The ditzy miko's eyes darted around, and apparently fell on me.

"My penguin," she explained, "It practices primal scream therapy."

The next part has good news and bad news. The good news is that the inn lady didn't have time to disbelieve the ridiculous story. Now before I move on to the bad news, let me back up a little bit.

          While this was going on, the Stupid Monk was realizing that he was no longer a penguin, and as naked as a furless rat. Mistress had noticed this too, and was frozen in a way that made me question which one was really the pervert. Here comes the bad news.

"Why," the inn lady said in a deadly calm, "is there a naked man in here who wasn't here last night?"

Mistress and the Stupid Monk turned a shade of red previously reserved for tomatoes.

"Um," the Ditzy Miko said matter-of-factly. She had apparently run out of explanations.

"_Chill," said the Dog. He threw a blanket at the Stupid Monk. "No one wants to see that." He gratefully wrapped the blanket around his waist._

"I entirely agree!" Mistress shrieked, slamming him over the head with Hiraikotsu. Well, it was probably meant to be over the head. Unfortunatley for him, she flung it in her rage, and caught him in the chest instead. He sprawled backwards, buried under Hiraikotsu. It was still trying to spin, so it twisted the blanket off and proceeded to hit his jaw. Mistress went tomato again and turned away. "Get that back on!" she ordered.

"I don't think he can hear you," the Ditzy Miko noted. From the way his eyes had rolled back in his head, it was the first intelligent thing she'd said that morning. The dog cleared his throat and turned to the inn lady.

"This idiot got a spell put on him," he explained, pulling the blanket back to a decent position. "He turns into a cat every other night, and forgot to keep a blanket over him last night. Right, Miroku?"

"Unh," he moaned.

"I see," the inn lady said slowly. I couldn't believe it! The _Dog actually had in intelligent way to get us out of this! "Well get dressed and get out," the inn lady snapped. She left, and I took it as my usual cue to turn big so that they could ride._

Now if anything in the universe were sane or sensible, I wouldn't have been able to.

It isn't.

I might've gotten away with being a big kitty in a little room, but unfortunately, penguins are considerably taller than kitties. Thus, the roof…well…you get the picture.

          In the chaos of the next 30 seconds, the Stupid Monk found his clothes, the inn lady assaulted Mistress, I tried to step on the inn lady, the Ditzy Miko had a muffin for breakfast, I stepped on the Dog on accident, and the Cute Kit somehow managed to perch on my head. In the 30 seconds after _that, we ran. Hard. Oh yeah, and I discovered that I can still fly._

Need inventory?

A gigantic penguin waddling on bursts of flame about three meters above the ground, a miniature fox clinging to a fin for dear life, an underdressed foreign girl stuffing her face with equally foreign food, a dog limping pitifully along, and a supposed houshi trying to keep his you-know-what covered while fleeing from a girl who looks like an oversized deadly tomato with a boomerang, and will continue to look so until he gets his you-know-what under clothes, which won't happen until she stops being quite so deadly and settles for tomato instead.

If there's a record for the longest sentence ever spoken by a cat, I think I just broke it.

          "Whatever else you remember about all this," the Cute Kit said, contentedly counting how many licks it took to get to the center of the Ditzy Miko's last tootsie roll pop, "I want you to remember that the inn was _not_ my idea. I didn't like it at all."

"Only because it involved giving away your candy," I reminded him.

"You're missing the point," he whined. "38…39…40…"

"It's 62," Mistress' voice said, returning from her bath. She sat down by the fire and I settled into her lap. I'll tell you, she has got the most comfortable lap of any human I have _ever_ seen. Only because the Dog's Brother is a youkai.

Don't ask.

"You're going to spoil it for me!" wailed the Cute Kit.  Mistress shrugged.

"It feels very strange to have a penguin sitting in my lap," she noted.

"Mew," I retorted. _You try being the penguin. Oh wait, she already had. Never mind._

"What really puzzles me is how this curse is passing," she sighed.

"Who knows, as long as you don't get it," the Cute Kit said, shrugging.

"Easy for you to say, because you never had it," Mistress replied, resting her chin on my head.

"E-ow!" I complained. I could really do without the whole sharo chin thing. I made a show of leaping off her lap and stalking away.

          I stalked right on down to the water, where the Ditzy Miko was still finishing up her bath. I sat at the edge and listened to her sing because she had a pretty voice, even though what she sang made no real sense. I mean, here's what I overheard…

"Hey diddle, diddle   
The cat and the fiddle   
The cow jumped over the moon   
The little dog laughed   
To see such a sight   
And the dish ran away with the spoon."

I mean, I suppose it might contain the answers to the deep mystery of life or something…This Diddle person, for example. Perhaps Diddle is a metaphorical God, and he infused the Cow, his loyal believer, with the power to jump over the moon. The cat and the fiddle(whatever a fiddle might be) symbolizes the priest, who carries the faith to others….

…Or maybe it's just a load of nonsense crap. I mean, what the hell is a spoon? And dogs can't laugh, not unless they're dog YOUKAI, which is another matter entirely. As for the cow jumping over the moon, I've never seen a cow jump 3 centimeters off the ground, much less over the moon. Besides, from what the Ditzy Miko says, it'd suffocate if it went up in space in the first place. Why would it WANT to jump the moon anyways? And don't even get me STARTED on the dish and spoon. Nonetheless, it was a soothing break from all the chaos.

Until I bothered to look at my reflection. It feels REALLY weird to want to hunt yourself. So, break was over, and I prowled stormily back up to the fire. If I'm lucky, the curse will pass on tomorrow. If not…well, at least chocolate isn't poisonous to penguins.

I think.

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*wipes sweat off forehead* I'm sorry this is so late, guys =(….I had trouble writing Kirara's POV for one thing. For another school was ending, which means finals….yeah. Ick. Well next one should be up sooner! Even SOONER sooner if you review….hinthint…^_^

~Kaylana

"Yarr! I'm a pirate!"


	4. Life Lesson: Penguins can have ADHD Seve...

Well, I know how terribly late this is, but Heather has threatened to delete herself off ff.net if I don't update it. So here goes! My plan for this is pretty crazy. There's this thing called National Novel Writing Month where you…well, write a 50,000 word novel in a single month. Why? Because you can! Quality is not the issue! I for one, plan on writing EPIC CRAP!!! XD Yes, I am on a sugar high. But that's the whole point! Actually, theres a bit more…go here to see! I challenge you all to do this, and maybe we can compare at the end! ^_^ Anyhoo, I'm using this as a practice run for it. I have, to my left, a one hour timer. My music is my typical humorous light music playlist I use for this fic. My hands are typing furiously due to waaaaay too much candy corn and tea-dipped pecans (DON'T ASK).  Equipped with all these elements and NO EARTHLY IDEA as to where this chapter is going, I shall start, and hopefully finish, in an hour. This is my excuse for crappy writing. I wanted everyone to read this so you wouldn't all think I was going crazy or losing my touch or anything like that…

3…2…1!!!!!

Disclaimer: I am SO sick of writing these.

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IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE AUTHORS NOTES ABOVE THIS, PLEASE DO!!! IMPORTANT!!...sorta         

          The morning was pretty unfun, what with Kagome yelling at Inu Yasha yelling at Sango yelling at Miroku who was lecturing all of them when he wasn't knocked out. See, Kirara was still a penguin and Kagome didn't sense any shards, so Inu Yasha was mad. He was yelling at Sango for starting the curse thing in the first place. Inu Yasha was yelling at Sango, so Kagome was mad, and we all know what happens when THAT happens.

….That was a funny sentence. We all know what happens when that happens…like all repetitive…and-

As I was saying, Kagome was sitting at Inu Yasha, and Inu Yasha was yelling at Sango, which was making her mad and giving her a headache. When she's mad and head-ache-y (is that a word?) she turns to Miroku for stress relief 'cause he's usually doing something deserving to get hit. Today he was- I'm hungry, everybody's been too busy for breakfast- lecturing Inu Yasha to be nicer to the ladies, Kagome to calm down, and groping Sango because that's just what he does. Well that's not ALL he does, he also casts spell-thingies and spies on people and gets spied on and-

Where was I?

          Oh yeah, it wasn't a happy morning. And it was a hungry one. So I was sitting next to Kirara, who was trying to sleep through all this stuff. Is that _all_ cats do? She was failing. At sleeping, I mean. Oh yeah, and he was knocked out some of the time because Sango kept hitting him. Huh? I was talking about Miroku, I never told you why he was knocked out! Well, Kirara and I were hungry so we started rummaging through Kagome's backpack for something to eat except Kirara wasn't much help what with the whole no move-y thumbs thing. Kagome called em something special…opossum…oppo…whatever. She says that too.

          Well I found some Ramen which was usually for dinner and stuff so I didn't open it, but I also found some band-aids, which you can't eat, and a bunch of weird spell-books which is weird cause Kagome can't use spells, not on purpose at least, but what else could they be with all those funny shapes and colors and numbers? So I found some candy at the very bottom of her bag, a little smooshed by one of her spell-books but candy's candy, you know! And in this case, on a hungry day, candy also is breakfast. I took out a tootsie roll pop and attacked it. Not with my claws or anything, with my tongue. It's yummy.

"1…" I counted, licking it.

"IT'S ALL HER FAULT! OUCH!" Inu Yasha yelled.

"2…" I said.

"Inu Yasha," Miroku said, "you shouldn't go blaming things on Sango when it wasn't her-"

"Th-" I started.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR HAND JUST WENT?!" Sango shrieked.

"-rh-" I continued.

There was a big boom and Miroku was knocked out again, cause that's what he does along with those other stuff I listed earlier.

"-ee," I finished. "4...5…"

The boom must've woken up Kirara cause she's just like that with her sensitive ears and stuff…well actually, are her ears still sensitive as a penguin? Where ARE her ears?

"What are you doing?" Kirara asked as I searched her head for anything that looked like it could hear.

"Eating breakfast," I said because it's the truth and my Daddy told me to always tell the truth and Inu Yasha says that if lie to him he'll feed my entrails to the next youkai we run into. I don't really know what entrails are, but if they're mine and they taste good then I wanna keep em. So I told Kirara the truth and she looked at me funny which is even funnier on a bird.

"Your breakfast is not on my head," she said. I blinked. Where had she gotten a dumb idea like that?

"Nope," said I, "it's not. It's in my hand. Six," I added, licking the pop again. Not soda pop, you don't lick soda pop, you drink it. Breakfast pop.

"So why are you investigating my head?"

I thought maybe I should tell her I don't know what investigating is but I wouldn't want to look stupid so I puffed up my chest and said in my big adult tone,

"I am investigating your head because I think it pertains some formations of really big export."

Kirara started laughing. I de-puffed. I guess I didn't quite use the right words to tell her that I was looking for something cool on her head. I should really stop using words that I don't know, but it's so fun! Especially when I use the ones that Inu Yasha says, cause for some reason, Kagome all gets all red-looking and asks me where I heard the word and I tell her and she sits him. I guess I just have a knack for using THOSE words REALLY badly.

"Want some breakfast?" I ask above another sit. I wonder what would happened in Kagome said stand instead of sit? Would he fly up to the sky that'd be kinda funny.

"I'd love some," Kirara said, taking a lick.

"Seven," I counted.

"BITCH!" Inu Yasha shouted in the background. "OKAY, THAT'S IT! PENGUIN OR NOT, WE ARE GOING _NOW!_"

A silence fell over the site at this decree. Then Miroku woke up and sorta ruined it.

"Sango," he whined,  "what was _that for?"_

I shrugged.

"8…9…10…"

          BOOM and then black and then a pretty butterfly.

That's what fainting is like in case you wanted to know. The butterfly was blue and pretty.

"Hello? Shippou-chan, are you okay?" I heard Kagome ask, sounding kinda squeaky. That squeak is REALLY annoying. I mean, even I don't squeak that bad! Well unless I'm scared, which NEVER happens! I mean, really, I'm the one holding the group together, just in subtle ways, and-

"He is _not alright, Kagome-sama," Miroku pointed out, "He's a penguin."_

I guess I must've been cause even after I got up to chase the butterfly, I went about one step before I fell flat on my tail. That's a sensitive part of the body you know, well no you don't know, you don't have one, or do you? Is your tail fluffier than mine? What shampoo do you use!? I mean, I try to get mine nice, but it's all frizzy and-

Oh yeah, anyways, I fell. Penguins have pretty small steps, smaller than kitsunes. The butterfly got away, so I was mad.

"Squirt!" Inu Yasha's voice shouted, jarring me out of my anger. Or maybe it was that he was standing on my frizzy tail.

"Ow~~~!" I said, because it made sense. Don't you say oww when your tail is stepped on? Wait, we already established you don't have one. Sorry bout that.

"Get up," Inu Yasha said, "We're heading out."

Kagome started to protest, but Miroku cleared his throat loudly.

"Well," he said, scooping me off the ground, "Shall we?"

Kagome glared at him, and Inu Yasha smirked. Weird. Well, I'm getting a free ride, that's all that matters…wait…there was something else important… what…OH NO!

"I missed the butterfly!"

          "You're heavier as a penguin," Miroku whined.

"Where are my ears?" I asked.

"I said I don't know," Miroku repeated. He looked up the path, and shifted me to one arm, waving the other. "WAIT UP, PLEASE! I'LL GET LOST, AND THEN WHERE WILL YOU BE?"

"A lot better off!" Sango called back. They laughed and continued on down the path. Miroku groaned and sat down in the middle of the path, glaring at me.

"It's all your fault."

"Hey!" I protested. Then I saw Kirara coming back towards us. "I gave you breakfast, give us a ride!" I said, grumpy. Yeah, grumpy is a pretty good way to describe me on an unfun day after an unfun and hungry morning, cause you know that the 68 licks of a tootsie roll pop aren't enough for a growing teenager like me.

"Breakfast," Miroku moaned, "_That's_ what we missed. I knew it was something."

"I never got a ride when _I _was a penguin," Kirara said.

"Not my fault," I said, "What if I stole some of Kagome's food for you?"

"That'd be great," Miroku replied, "I'm starved."

"What _kind of food?" Kirara demanded._

"Chocolate," I said, ignoring Miroku. He didn't know who I was talking to, I guess. It's kind of funny how he always thinks I'm talking to him and how he never talks to Kirara. I wonder where that butterfly I missed is.

"Chocolate's not breakfast," Miroku contributed. AN: At this point, my NaNoWriMoness gave out and the rest of the chapter was written at a different sitting…in case anyone cares…

"Hmm," Kirara considered, "I'll think about it."

Miroku looked at us both funny, shook his head, and looked up the path. It was green and sunny and stuff, and empty too, which is usually a bad thing. Miroku said some of the same words that make Kagome mad. Too bad she can't sit him, cause I think they're fun to say, the way they roll off your tongue…except that words can't roll off anything unless you write them on something but then it's really the _paper rolling off something and the words are just on the paper and stuff. Why am I all alone all of the sudden? Oh, because Miroku's up there running around like a maniac, although I guess I wouldn't know, because I've never met a maniac. Wait a second, scratch that, I'm totally surrounded by them. So Miroku's running around like himself, and Kirara's sniffing the path like herself, and they both were leaving me, so I ran to catch up with them. Alas…I'm, alas, a salami. That's kind of a cool phrase, cause it reads the same backwards as forwards…a palindrome. Yeah, I'm smart and can use big words like _those_ without Kagome getting mad at anyone. What was I alas-ing at though? Uh…oh yeah!  Alas, none of us could see the others, and the path forked off in two different directions, blue and yellow. Uh, towards a river and a flowery field, that is._

"We're…lost," Miroku said, raising his eyebrows and closing his eyes partway in a really funny face.

"Thanks, genius," Kirara snorted. "Well, since no one else is making any decisions, I'm not getting wet."

"Ch-chotto!" Miroku stammered, running off after Kirara, who had disappeared into the yellow. The yellow looked sort of pretty, so I followed them, but they were going pretty fast and the yellow was pretty tall. Like REALLY tall. Trees are tall too, but there's more space between them, so even if you're walking through a lot of trees, you can see where everyone in front of you is headed. Alas, flowers are a lot closer together, and alas, that isn't a palindrome, but it _is true. And they make you sneeze lots, too, which sort of slows you down…and they smell really strong, so you can't smell anything else…_

…and that makes you lost…

I sat down, sneezing my woe. Woe…sounds kinda like woah, or wow, except that it means something a lot different. Cool, huh? But woe's not cool, cause it's woeful. Like being totally lost. What do woeful people do? They cry. I'm not a person, but we can pretend, right?

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

          It was dark and I was hungry. Those two things aren't very related, I guess, but that doesn't mean I wasn't sorry I'd missed the butterfly earlier. Or that I wasn't starved. A thought struck me, which doesn't make a lot of sense cause thoughts can't hit, which is what struck means I think, cause lightning strikes but thoughts just come, and they don't hurt. Most of the time. This one kinda made me panic though- _I didn't know what I could eat! And Miroku wasn't around to tell me, or Kagome, or Sango, because they would know, adults know everything. Except Inu Yasha, who knows nothing at all. Cause he's a dog. Or is it bitch? One of em means it's a girl, and I can't remember which. Well, he's girly anyways. I mean, what's with those poofy pants? And his hair... I'm surprised Miroku didn't ask him to bear his child. Wait…he wanted to kill him at first. Never mind, I guess that's a good enough reason._

What was I saying about being- INU YASHA!

It smelled like him, which was a lot nastier than the yellow.

"Wench, this is SUCH a waste of time! I swear, I'm turning around right here, and-"

"Osuwari."

"Ow! Bitch!"

Hmm, I guess that means it refers to girl after all. Oh, wait, they're here to rescue me. I guess that means it's my cue to do something stupid and childish that makes all the fans groan, roll their eyes, and want to kill Takahashi-sama for adding me into the story when it obviously doesn't need me in the first place, then we can wrap up this chapter so Kaylana doesn't have to bust her butt on this _and_ her science fair project.

…

…did I say that aloud?

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;-) I felt I needed to add that last part. ^_^ Well, R&R, you know the drill! ^_^ Sorry it took so long, I've been…erm…busy. Yeah. 3 comics, school, etc…my stupidity never ceases to amaze me. =D Cya next time! Who is my next victim?!? KUKUKU…

~Kaylana


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